Post 1,059
Yeah, there’s some neat stuff on the front. Once said Homer Simpson. Season 12, episode 10. But did our Homer have a point? Do we, indeed, spend ‘too much time on the front’ because it is so neat? Or are men just too obsessed with the front? To be honest, which side is best isn’t something a great deal of us ever really thinks about, but clearly Homer had a favourite and, as my sole role model, I feel duty bound to investigate further. What? This is the scary new world we’re entering people. After 1,059 posts, we’re beyond the point of no questions and entering a scary new realm of mad questions, a lot like going beyond the microscopic and entering the quantum level. Or Sonny and Cher without Sonny or Cher…
Let’s give the back some credit, first. And the most important point to remember is that this is where the bottom lives. And who doesn’t love a nice bottom? In a recent study, it came in at two and considering what we do with it, it really is strange that both men and women appreciate a good butt. Scientists tell us the reason women like the bum so much is that, in the old days, women favoured a man with an athletic build because it suggested he would be a good provider and would pass on good genes to potential offspring. And by ‘old days’, I mean, of course, tens and tens of thousands of years ago. Made sense, then. I guess. But nowadays? I don’t know. Similarly, in women, a fuller bottom is an evolutionary thing to provide better balance during pregnancy, therefore, the larger and rounder a woman’s arse is the healthier reproductive system she has. And I’m not making that up! So men and women like the bum because it’s a symbol of the perfect partner. But do any of us nowadays like the bum because of evolutionary reasons? No. Therefore is the bum ‘neat’ like the front or is it really just two flabby protrusions? I feel like if you can’t pinpoint why you like something, you can’t really argue it’s better than something you can pinpoint. I like my shoes because they’re smart. I like the smell of Tarmac because… erm, I don’t know.
On a date, you wouldn’t profess a love of Tarmac but you would profess a love of your shoes, so you can’t say you like the back over the front because of the bum because a love of the bum nowadays is unexplainable whereas the front – oh, boy. Our genitals are on the front. And, unlike the bum, we can explain why we like them so much. The nerve endings down there are designed to give us pleasure and make us happy. Whereas the butt is… a butt. Nothing else, nothing more. In the battle of front versus back, saying the bum is preferable to the genitals is like saying you prefer faeries to chocolate. Chocolate is real. You might like faeries but really, why? They’re not real. You can like them, but I really need to know why. They make you happy? Yeah, but they’re not… real. Look, the front is in the lead by 1 point to nil, so deal with it…
What else do we have on the back? The back? Eurgh. I hate the back. The back is weird. All bony and funny looking. To be honest the chest isn’t much better. Nipples are a strange and bizarre feature of men, so in this regard, I’ll consider this a draw. Which makes it 2-1 to the front, of course. The shoulder blades disgust me endlessly, as does the clavicle, which is very, very bony and genuinely horrifying. Another draw. 3-2. The back of the head is odd because it’s hair and under that, a very lumpy noggin’, but the front contains my face and that’s even more horrifying than the clavicle malarkey. So yes, I’ll give this to the back because I’ll rather look at the back of my head than the front. In fact, I’d rather stare at a thousand angry penises than the front of my head, so the back draws level. 3-3.
The back of the arms includes the palm of my hands, which I’ve never liked all too much but the front of my hands have slightly hairy knuckles, so I hate that even more. 3-4 to the back. Which is a surprise. The legs are an interesting one because they are also hairier than Bigfoot but come on – have you seen the back of your knees? It’s the worst. They literally make me sick. And the less said about my feet, the better.
Perhaps surprisingly, considering the awesome stuff the front contains, the back wins my highly logical experiment. 3-5. I honestly didn’t think it would win. But, in a first for this blog, which is remarkable because it’s so incredibly old, I disagree with my findings. Normally, I’d let the power of logic win out. The results speak for themselves! The back clearly wins. But come on, who in their right mind would say ‘no’ to the front? In a battle of front versus back, it’s just like Homer Simpson said. There really is some neat stuff on the front.
Put it this way. In one episode, Homer was talking to Mel Gibson. For real. “Before Lethal Weapon 2, I never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet, but now I check every time.” I feel like Homer before Lethal Weapon 2. I never suspected the back would ever win but then a bomb showed up in the toilet and now you doubt everything you ever knew. I mean, if the back can win then gee, are faeries real? You know, that sort of thing. Of course, faeries aren’t real and there’s a very slim chance a bomb will ever be in my toilet so screw Lethal Weapon 2, I’m giving the win to the front.
Do you feel like you’re on an acid trip because after writing that, I certainly do…
Front all the way, baby!
Ciao :)(:
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1) You decide…
(credit: cjnotebook.com/12-amazing-things-we-learned-about-the-human-body-in-2015/)
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