The best things in life are free… once sang… I dunno. Someone. Of course, ‘best’ is subjective. As is ‘free’. You might think candy should be free but a dentist would argue that’s a terrible idea. You might think tampons should be free but is that really a ‘best’ thing about life or quite an annoying thing about life? And what about ‘free love’? I mean, sure, I’m dead against the idea because hippies are pointless but ‘love’ doesn’t cost anything in the first place so it’s an oxymoron. Unless you ARE paying for love. Hmm. I guess it depends on the person. Someone reading this might now be saying, ‘Well, I’ve never paid for tampons.’ So for you, they’re ALREADY free. Although you should probably be in jail for that…
Are the best things in life already free? Like love and shit? Meh. It depends on how one defines ‘cost’. Love costs a lot for a man. Women are very expensive. On average, a woman in a straight relationship will cost a man £3,500 a year.
Probably.
Then there is the emotional cost. It can’t ALL be about sex, it can’t! There have to be downsides. Imagine a relationship without any. It would be like that Itchy & Scratchy cartoon where they sit on their veranda all day drinking lemonade and that’s it. My mam once threw a plate of fish and chips at my dad’s head. She said that over the following weeks their relationship had never been better.
That’s terrible advice, don’t do that…
So what things in life are not free but should be? Well, I could go for a serious answer like medical supplies but here’s the thing… what about the ramifications? I genuinely believe that if you made public transport, for example, completely free, society would cease to exist within a few days. Bus drivers won’t work for free and within a few days, nobody will be able to get to work.
Now, if I was a bus driver, I’d work for bacon in lieu of money, but that’s another matter.
My bus fare costs me an absolutely SCANDALOUS £800 a year and guess what? THERE’S ONLY ONE BUS AN HOUR! So if we are to make public transport free, which it should be anyway, we need to find a way to replace the lost earnings from bus fares. This is where I enter.
Did I mention I’m a genius?
Look at buses. There is a wide range of things we can use buses for. From noble causes like blood donation to equally noble causes… like mobile strip clubs. The point is, buses can be used for other things to generate money. But I think the best option is with what I’m calling ‘Retired Bus Banger Racing’.
You see, when buses get old they get lugged to the scrap heap or, where I live, they continue to be used for another few decades until petrol fumes start killing the passengers. Anyway, what if, instead of scrapping the old buses, we create a new motor sport where we RACE the retired buses instead? THINK OF THE SPONSORSHIP!
Bus companies would make a fortune. Plus it would be a great way to train new drivers and probably new medics. It would be insanely fun to watch. We could have a Patreon with exclusive access to the drivers and all the behind-the-scenes gossip. There would be a podcast and a YouTube series and a… whatever TikTok is. We could even have our own reality series, like Love Island but with bus drivers. Even a sitcom! STILL ON THE BUSES! And, as a bonus, it would mean we would all have free public transport!
You can thank me later, this literally can’t fail. So that’s what I’d make free.
Ciao :)(:
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