In 2002, a vandal shattered a glass window with a stain on it in the shape of the Virgin Mary. The millions of pilgrims who visited each year were devastated. Not many states can claim to have lost a Virgin Mary with a skate-by slingshot to the head, but there we are. Could be worse. In 2012, a woman here accidentally burnt down a 3,500-year-old tree named ‘The Senator’. She later lamented, “I can’t believe I burned down a tree older than Jesus.” Quite. Don’t worry, pilgrims. This state still has The Holy Land Experience, a religious theme park containing all things biblical. It’s a great place to see Jesus crucified daily for your viewing pleasure. And I swear that’s true. And it’s where you’ll find places named Yeehaw Junction, Lorida, Howey-in-the-Hills, New York, Couch, Dinner Island, Two Egg, Picnic, Fluffy Landing, Doctor’s Inlet, Spuds, and Lone Cabbage. Today, we’re visiting The Sunshine State, Florida.
Coming Out of My Cage…
Florida’s original Spanish name was ‘La Florida’, which means ‘place of flowers’, named after Brandon Flowers, the lead singer of The Killers. Which is strange because he was born in Nevada. And much later. It could also be that there are lots of flowers here. Some think the name comes from Spain’s Easter celebrations, known as ‘Pascua Florida’ or ‘Feast of Flowers’, as the Spanish landed here during Easter. So it’s something ‘flowery’.
It’s said that the Spanish were looking for the fountain of youth. You could say destiny is calling me…
But where is this place? Florida is a state in the southeast region of America bordered by Alabama and Georgia, plus the Gulf of Mexico, the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulfs of Florida and Cuba. It is the 22nd largest state at 65,757 square miles or 170,312 square kilometres, between Missouri and Wisconsin, with the third largest population with 22.24 million people, between Texas and New York. The original, not New York, Florida. Bloody postal service must hate that town…
Many people look at Florida in one of three ways: a great place to party, a great place to be left miserable with the cruddiness of Epcot, or a great place to retire, especially if you’re a mob boss. Some would think Florida is a paradise holiday spot owing to its perfect weather and white sandy beaches full of tanned, bethonged super hunks. And it is. It’s also very weird.
This is a place of thousands of islands, marshes, swamps, prairies, and a 1,200-mile coastline. It’s also quite hot. Trust me, I’ve been there. JESUS. It’s also where you’ll find The Parque Amigos de Jose Marti, a park that is legally Cuban territory. Does that mean cops can’t enter? Cool. I might have some crimes up my sleeve.
The motto of Florida is, ‘In God We Trust’, which you better hope so with so many old people. But there’s more to Florida than old people, sucky Epcot and horny teens looking to get their freak on at Spring Break. But not much more. This is a place where you can also find flooded tubas and a seven-foot shiny golden penis…
The European Invasion and Search for Nothing
The first people to live in what is now Florida arrived over 12,000 years ago. They were hunter-gatherers. Over the years, indigenous tribes including the Apalachee, Calusa, Creek and Timucua lived here. You know, they were quite happy. But then the Spanish turned up…
Ponce de León sailed to Florida in 1513 to hunt for gold and silver. He didn’t find silver. But he did find The Golden Girls. Rose had just written a letter to Gorbachev. Hmm. What Ponce did next was find fertile farmland, ideal for shipping. And so Europeans rocked up en masse.
Needless to say, this wasn’t great for the indigenous peoples. In 1763, the UK bought Florida from Spain in exchange for some magic beans. And Cuba. Just two decades later, Spain retook Florida. But settlers from the north started moving in around 1821 and the Spanish were all like, ‘Oh shit, these people are awful!’ And so they sold Florida to America.
In exchange for Texas. Yeah, they weren’t great negotiators. Florida became the 27th state in 1845. Some indigenous people still live here, namely the Seminoles, who moved here in the 1700s to avoid conflict with the Europeans. The phrase ‘out of the frying pan into the fire’ springs to mind…
Florida ceded from the Union in 1861 because… well, why not? They didn’t win that one. After the war, Florida developed rapidly. As railroads were built, the population boomed. Miami was incorporated in 1896 and here’s one for pub quiz aficionados. Similar to New York and Sydney, Miami is NOT the capital. That title belongs to Tallahassee. Although Jacksonville is the biggest city because, unlike almost every other nation on Earth, Americans don’t make their biggest cities capitals.
But hey, weirder things happen in Florida. They actually built Epcot…
The Diversity of the Elderly State
Sadly, hurricanes have hit Florida quite a lot, causing great damage throughout the years. But Florida has a remarkable capacity to come back from such tragedies. Tourists flocked to the state after the Second World War, especially with attractions like Disneyland showing up. It started as a cult. Mickey sacrificed a LOT of Goofy’s people, he really did…
Cubans, Greeks, Spaniards and indigenous peoples have all left their cultural footprints across what is now Florida. But the different cultures here remain distinctly separate from one another. And so Florida has become a land of fiery music, sizzling foods, a dazzling array of accents, striking architecture and lots of golf courses for the old people.
One of the best examples of this diversity is in the food, mixing traditional southern dishes with Caribbean and Latin flavours. Some uniquely local dishes include fried frog legs and fried alligator tails. Oh sweet Jesus.
If you fancy walking off your alligator, why not indulge in a few of Florida’s local attractions and no, I’m not talking about Disneyland or that one where they keep the sad whales…
Florida is home to the World Erotic Art Museum, 12,000 square foot museum FILLED with the most graphic exhibits I think I’ve ever seen. One painting features a chevalier who has propped up his mistress on a drum. Her legs are around his neck. Use your imagination. Alternatively, you can have a photo taken next to a seven-foot tall, shiny golden penis that, for some reason, isn’t named ‘Trump’.
Failing that, you can pay a visit to Florida’s oldest bar, Captain Tony’s Saloon. It was once a morgue. Then a bordello. Then a telegraph office. And then a speakeasy. Oh, and one time, it was a cigar factory. But it’s now a rather unique bar…
In the middle of this bar, you’ll find ‘the hanging tree’, a real tree from which criminals, genuinely, were once hung. Around this tree, you’ll also find some real gravestones, too. What better place to sit back, have a beer, stare at a tree and think of the 75 people who were hung from it for piracy? Don’t worry, the graves are empty these days. Well, the ones we know about.
And what better way to end your sojourn in Florida than with the Underwater Music Festival? From erotica, to a gallows tree, to enjoying music under the waves, what other state could you be in but Florida?
I do wonder how you’re supposed to hear the musical instruments at this festival at Looe Key Reef, North America’s only living barrier reef. You see, that’s the difference between the Americans and the rest of the world. The rest of the world protects their barrier reefs, treating them like sacred, magical places. In America, they have a music festival on top of it, never stopping to question the ridiculousness of any of this…
In truth, underwater speakers are hidden among the reef while musicians dive with their instruments and ‘pretend’ to play them as the music blares out of the speakers. I mean, this is just needlessly complicated, right? Most of the instruments are specially made by a local artist, a man wonderfully named August Powers.
Sadly, he’s not very good at puns. Past instruments include the ‘sea-phan flute’, the ‘fluke-a-lele’, and my personal favourite, the ‘trom-bonefish’.
Yeah, Florida is a… strange place…
The Wonders
There are wonders to see such as the wondrous natural beauty of Lake Okeechobee, and the charmingly colourful and cute city of Mount Dora. Every street is lined with tiny, exquisitely kempt architecture, all so brightly painted. This place exudes joy and warmth. It is utterly adorable. And that is not a word you often use to describe anywhere in Florida…
Then there’s the history on offer in St. Augustine, founded in 1565, it is the oldest continuously-inhabited European settlement in America. It could not feel any less American and that’s why you need to leave Orlando and Miami behind to take a sample of authentic Spanish America. This is a gorgeous place. And by far the best city in the state.
And then there’s Bahia Honda State Park, slightly ruined by the giant road running through it but this is Florida so there are roads and bridges everywhere. Ignoring that, this place feels tropical. It is very obvious you are on the brink of the Caribbean here. The colour of the water, the exotic trees and the white sand tumbling into the ocean. It is a quiet and peaceful place far away from the hustle and bustle of metropolitan Florida.
But my favourite wonder of Florida is the beautiful, Caribbean-like gem of Amelia Island. The glorious empty white sandy beaches give way to an endless, perfect ocean, while the setting Sun is resplendent as its hues light up the sky. Sure, you can go to Florida and bask in the cheesy glory of the theme parks. Or you can come here and forget the world. I know which one I’d prefer and I say that as someone who’s been to those theme parks…
Florida. The state of illustrious diversity, a mistress on a drum pulling a hip, and Lone Cabbage.
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Image Credits
https://fernandinaobserver.com/general/travelleisure-magazine-names-amelia-island-among-worlds-best-copy/, https://www.onegirlwholeworld.com/north-america/bahia-honda-state-park-florida-keys/, https://uk.hotels.com/go/usa/st-augustine, https://www.getawaymavens.com/mount-dora-floridas-cutest-small-town/, https://www.britannica.com/place/Lake-Okeechobee
Post Sources
http://www.landscope.org/florida/natural_geography/, https://www.britannica.com/place/Florida/Cultural-life, https://www.visitflorida.com/things-to-do/cultural/, https://theplanetd.com/fun-facts-about-florida/, https://www.myimprov.com/10-fun-interesting-facts-about-florida/, https://localhistories.org/a-brief-history-of-florida/, https://www.atlasobscura.com/lists/the-best-of-weird-florida, https://www.worldtravelguide.net/guides/north-america/united-states-of-america/florida/food-and-drink/, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florida#State_symbols, https://kids.nationalgeographic.com/geography/states/article/florida
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