It comes as no surprise to anyone to learn I am a nerd. What is surprising is that ‘nerd’ comes from ‘nerts’, meaning ‘nuts’, as in, “Oh nerts! This dork is super lame!” ‘Dork’, in case you’re wondering, is a bowdlerisation of ‘dick’. Some people think this refers to a whale’s dick as if that’s a bad thing. Not that I’m saying I like whale’s penises, it’s that a penis isn’t bad, it’s who it’s attached to. And I know this is a shocking revelation, but I think whales are alright. The bigger question is why ‘dick’, a short form of ‘Richard’, came to mean something bad. What did Richard do wrong exactly?
It could’ve been me, dammit! “HEY, YOU! YOU’RE A COMPLETE ALAN!” Actually, people do say that to me every day. Sigh. I wish I wasn’t an Alan…
The point is, unless you’re a nerd, you won’t find the silly little British TV show Doctor Who, interesting. BRITISH! Damn you to hell, Disney. But for people like me, the NEEEEERD, Doctor Who means everything to me. More than the stars in the sky. They’re stars, jeez, come on, pah, what have they ever done for me? What’s that? All humans come from stars? Oh come on now, prove it. Go on, take your little sample from Proxima Centauri, then take a sample of my DNA, and I bet you won’t find a match. You’ll be dead, that’s why…
Doctor Who made me laugh. It made me cry. It made me roll around on the floor ‘til I almost died. God only knows… oh, hang on. That’s a song by Lauren Christy. Hmm. Look, we all have things we love. For me, it’s Doctor Who. For you, it might be cocaine.
I can’t explain my fascination with this 60-year-old franchise. It filled a gap in my life that other men fill with women. So, in a nutshell. There’s this planet named Gallifrey. And on it is a race of people, quelle surprise, named Gallifreyans. Now, very special Gallifreyans, the hoity-toity elite, are Time Lords. They have command over all time and space. And to be honest, most of them are bastards. But the Doctor isn’t. No, he stole a time machine with his granddaughter and they sped off to have adventures in time. That’s if, like me, you don’t consider the timeless child bullshit cannon, which it isn’t…
Time Lords are unique as they don’t go by ‘traditional’ names but by titles instead. The Doctor is so old they forgot their name a long time ago. We wouldn’t understand it anyway. Although children can, if their hearts are in the right place.
There are many Time Lords, of course. Not just the Doctor. You have the Master. And the Corsair. Even the Valeyard. But if I was a Time Lord (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha), what would my title be? This is the kind of thing we virgins think about a lot. Along with, ‘What do boobs feel like?’ I’m guessing a bit like the butt.
The Weasel
This is one option. You see, as a Time Lord, your name not only speaks of your personality but also your ambitions in life. The Doctor seeks to help. The Master seeks to dominate. While the Corsair… hmm… what is… well… hmm. Oh, it’s a pirate.
But I’m a weakling. I couldn’t fight my way out of a wet paper bag. And I’m always weaselling my way out of things. So what better name than the Weasel? I don’t mind people thinking that about me. In fact, I encourage it.
It means I don’t have to do anything because people know I’m useless…
The Courier
Yup, I’m always carrying people’s shit. It’s because I’m so shy and introverted, I never have anything to contribute. But people notice me, of course. They notice me, right, and realise I offer nothing. So they use me like a hat stand.
Carry this, set up this, fetch that, yada, yada, yada. But I’m not a pushover. A pushover doesn’t know what they’re doing is the work of a pushover. If you’re aware of it, but you’re happy to be of some use, you’re more like a courier. Does it feel sad when the people you helped go back to ignoring you? Oh, no.
Ask any shy person and they’ll tell you we LOVE it when we are alone…
The Lighthouse Keeper
A bit long, granted, but I love a lighthouse. I can’t put into words why I love lighthouses so much. Am I turning you on? This is why I’m so popular with the ladies. Doctor Who, weasel, courier… lighthouses. Now, I know what you’re thinking, reader.
‘Don’t you prefer daymarks?’ Why, yes I do! I’m glad you remembered. Daymarks are daytime lighthouses, a concept I find endlessly fascinating. LET’S MAKE A LIGHTHOUSE WITHOUT A LIGHT! The problem here is that no one else seems to know what a daymark is. It’s the aglet issue all over again.
Oh, an ‘aglet’ is the tip on your shoelace. You can use that one to impress women. Take that from me, a man who it has yet to work for…
The Doofus
Ah, that old chestnut. What is the difference between a weasel and a doofus? While anyone can be a weasel, only a few can be a doofi. For me, a doofus is a special brand of idiot. One for whom nothing goes right. You try and you try, but gosh darn it, NOTHING goes right. Even the simplest things you struggle with.
Like this morning. So I was putting on my Spanx and I kept missing the leg hole and falling over! This isn’t a Time Lord you can rely on. This is a Time Lord who will go to make you a cup of tea and somehow he kills your hamster.
I’M SO SORRY! I DON’T KNOW HOW IT ENDED UP IN THE BLENDER!
The Magpie
I like shiny things.
The Loner
Ah, so you know there is a difference between a weasel and a doofus, but surely a loner is inseparable from a doofus. Ironic indeed. But a loner isn’t a weasel because a weasel is weak. A doofus isn’t a weasel because a doofus is someone who can’t get anything right. While a loner is neither a weasel nor a doofus because he is someone who no one likes.
And trust me, no one likes me. Sniff. Now, can you be a beloved doofus? Of course! In the same way, you can be a beloved weasel. I was a beloved weasel once. Before I became a pathetic weasel. A kid used to do wrestling moves on me when I was in school. Hurt, that.
What’s that? You’re telling me you like me? Oh, you didn’t say that? Sniff, well sod you then…
The Muggles
I often refer to people as ‘muggles’. Hi, muggles! When I think of the word ‘muggles’, I think of something cute but ill-informed. A toddler, for example. Innocent enough but doesn’t amount to much. Not that I’m calling your toddler useless but… well, I am.
But that’s not what ‘muggles’ means. And that’s a crying shame because this was a strong contender for my Time Lord title. But nope, a ‘muggle’ is a person who is not good at anything. And that’s not fair on toddlers, is it?
They’re great at taking all your money.
The Façade
I know, I know. Why do Time Lords use French? Why do they use English, for that matter? I often feel like I’m a giant façade. Like, I’m not wording this very well but… do you know when you feel like the ‘you’ you present to the world isn’t the real you? It’s a façade; do you know what I mean? That’s what I mean, at least.
I guess I could use that to my advantage as a Time Lord. Like a… trickster. Someone who you can never quite trust. That might sound awful to you but it’s okay, I wouldn’t rely on me for anything. I’d forget my own head if it wasn’t screwed on.
Which is strange as heads aren’t ‘screwed’ on. Mine’s held on with some glue…
The Outcast
Yeah, the rebel without a cause! Renegade Time Lord extraordinaire. Oh, yeah. That’s what people call me all the time. A ‘rebel’. You know, after nuisance. Unwanted. Unlovable. Not likeable enough to get away with being ugly. You know, things like that.
I am an outcast but you know, I could use this as a double bluff. I could earn people’s trust and then, when they least expect it, I stab them in the back for gold… PRECIOUS GOLD! It’s the work of a weasel. I know what you’re going to say.
‘Ah, so doesn’t that make the weasel the same as the outcast?’ Au contraire, cornichon. The weasel is a noble creature, if weak and fallible. The outcast appears weak but mentally, he is strong enough to betray everyone who ever loved him. For gold, I must add, which I argue is reward enough.
The Tape
Yup. I’m always getting stuck.
The Dilettante
But if I am to choose only one title for my new Time Lord persona, it is this.
Now, I agree you might not know what a ‘dilettante’ is, other than a very posh word, which is weird as I’m not a posh boy.
A dilettante [dil-eh-tahn] is someone who dabbles in many things but masters none. Take my many interests. Blogging. Hot pants. Daymarks. Weasels. Am I a master of these things? No. I’m not even sure HOW you can master a weasel.
The point is, I enjoy many things, but not enough to get good at them. And that’s perfect for a Time Lord. I won’t be out there saving the day, I’ll travel across time and space sampling the things I’ve always dreamt of. I’ll have a coffee with van Gogh and learn his craft. I’ll revel in the bosom of Mozart and learn his ways. I’ll hang with Jonathan Mostow, learn the art of directing, and beg him not to make Terminator 3…
I am the Dilettante. I will master nothing but enjoy EVERYTHING.
Ciao :)(:
Post 1,904: But what would your Time Lord title be, reader?
To Contrive & Jive 
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