Paul Simon Lists 5 of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover – What Are the Other 45?

I have an issue with Paul Simon’s counting abilities. So he wrote this song in which he listed FIFTY ways to leave your lover, right. AND HE ONLY NAMES FIVE! I do not like things that have misleading titles, let me tell you. Look at Naked Lunch! Here I am, expecting a horny dinner and what the hell do I get instead? A druggo’s trip to Tangier! DAMN YOU TO HELL, WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS!

While the song ’50 Ways to Leave Your Lover’ is a masterpiece, I’m more than a little disappointed with Mr Simon. Come on, man! You couldn’t even manage six! JUST FIVE! FIVE! WHY NOT ALL 50! DAMN YOU TO HELL, TOO!

The five are, ‘Slip out the back, Jack’, ‘Make a new plan, Stan’, ‘Don’t need to be coy, Roy’, ‘Hop in the bus, Gus’, and ‘Drop off the key, Lee’. And that’s me being generous. How ‘coyness’ can lead to a breakup is a hilarious afterthought for another time…

This is lazy songwriting at its laziest. Fair enough, you didn’t want to do all 50, Mr Simon. SO WHY SAY THERE ARE FIFTY THEN! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! List five! Sure, it’s not as powerful a metaphor but who cares! Jeez, do I have to do Mr Simon’s job for him? YET AGAIN!

So I’ve decided to complete the song he could not. Not just to show you that it isn’t so hard. But also to show you how awesome I am at coming up with names…

1. Whip off the cock, Spock.
2. Poo in her bed, Ned.
3. Take a wander down the lane, Jane.
4. Just move house, Claus.
5. Don’t act like a dick, Rick.
6. Up, up and away, May.
7. Hit the gym, Jim.
8. Write a breakup letter, Petr.
9. Hide in the loo, Stu.
10. You make me fart, Bart.
11. Act like a slob, Bob.
12. Ditch them at the ice cream parlour, Carla.
13. Tell her you’re gay, Ray.
14. Say how you feel, Neil.
15. Fashion a secret family, Natalie.
16. Say our futures don’t align, Devine.
17. Sleep with her sis, Chris.
18. Feed ‘em to a shark, Mark.
19. Get a bear to do it for you, Sue.
20. Give ‘em hell, Del.
21. Keep on lyin’, Brian.
22. Your genitals aren’t to my liking, Mr Viking.
23. Tell ‘em to take a hike, Mike.
24. Send a fax, Jax.
25. You’re better than me, Dee.
26. Say you couldn’t care less, Jess.
27. Frame him, Jim.
28. It’s not you, it’s me, Leigh.
29. Just call her fat, Matt.
30. Flee to North Korea, Mia.
31. Just leave, Neve.
32. You ain’t no fun, Jun.
33. Bury him alive, Clive.
34. Go out for some smokes, Oakes.
35. Become the new Santa… Santa.
36. Kick him to the curb, Blurb.
37. Carpe diem, Karim.
38. Drive a stake through his heart, Blart.
39. Misbehave at a zoo, Lou.
40. Say you have the trots, Potts.
41. Challenge them to a duel, Newell.
42. Become a vampire, squire.
43. Fake your death, Jeff.
44. Find a new bed, Ed.
45. Tell him the truth, Ruth.

PHEW! All fifty! There you go, Mr Simon! IT WASN’T SO HARD, WAS IT NOW!

But I think we’ve achieved something really special, today. Mr Simon is the type of busy man who needs a hero like me to swoop in and finish his goddamn song. Although if you’re asking me which is best, I’d say tell ‘em the truth.

Now, is taking advice from someone who’s never been in a relationship a terrible idea?

Probably. But look at what I’ve achieved. I’ve finished this song and Mr Simon couldn’t. I think that proves my point that I know more about love than he ever did…

Perhaps today I have given him something to think about when it comes to all his future endeavours. And hey, I think he’s getting better at it. Just last year he released a song titled ‘Love Is Like a Braid’ and it’s much better than ’50 Ways’, let me tell you. Now, I know what you’re thinking, reader.

‘Are you going to list 50 things love is like in a future blog post because how the hell is love like a braid?’

Yes. Yes I am.

Ciao :)(:

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Post 1,905: But can you name a new way to leave your lover, reader?

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